The Root of Sadness

I didn’t think it was possible, but my heart broke a little more today.
Since the accident there are a lot more tears at our house, and not just from me. There is a deep sadness in our home even though there is true peace and joy here too. They coexist in all that we do, and take turns with their dominance in our hearts. When my tears come I am very much aware that my sorrow is rooted in the loss of my husband and daughter. It is much easier for me to draw that parallel than it is for the boys.
For the boys the tears and pain are expressed in much different ways. Not because they don’t feel all the same things that I feel in the loss of their Daddy and little sister, but because when that overwhelming barrage of emotions comes they can’t always understand what those feelings mean and why they have them. Those drops of heartbreak and sadness become disappointment and confusion. Not being able to undo a button on a shirt, being last into the car, grapes instead of strawberries for lunch, or a favourite toy is being used; the list of irrational reasons could go on.
I try my best to be understanding and patient during these times. Many times I fail, but in my heart I know that this is a long road, one that will eventually end up with them finally reaching an age of understanding. And then a new part of their grief journey will start. And together we will have to navigate these murky waters again.
And as painful as my grief is for me, there is an extra burden of having to watch your children suffer in so many ways. Knowing that you cannot do anything to remove them from their path.
So when I heard Benjamin sobbing upstairs while I was making breakfast I assumed the culprit would be an uncooperative sock or excessive toothpaste. And when he came down the stairs and I asked him why he was crying, I was not prepared for his response:
“I miss my Daddy and my Madeline.”

5 thoughts on “The Root of Sadness

  1. I don’t know you personally, just came to know a bit of your story through friends. My heart aches for you and your boys. Your strength and faithfulness in our Lord shines through your words. Continuing to pray for you in this time of navigating the waters of grief and sadness.


  2. 😢 oh Leanne, my heart can only imagine and probably not even close to the actual depth of how much that would hurt me to hear my girls say that if I were in your shoes. Such a heart wrenching sadness😪. My heart aches for your boys, the pain of such a loss for such small hearts is a devastating thought for me…I am praying for them and will continue to. My heart also aches for you knowing that your task of having to somehow “explain” life now has to be one of the most difficult tasks on earth, may God fill you with wisdom, understanding and strength as you sheperd Emmett and Benjamin in this crazy, hard to comprehend journey. I pray you would feel His loving arms and the depth of His love for you. We love you guys💗


  3. May your family find the strength needed to make it through the daily little things that are unimaginable for someone that has not suffered this kind of loss ❤️


  4. Such a beautiful written Leanne. I appreciate being able to have a glimpse into your world and remember them and pray for you and the boys. You are an amazing woman!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s