The loss of my soul mate and partner altered life’s trajectory. That his death was sudden, that it was too soon, that it was newsworthy and public added to my confusion. And because it was paired with the death of our child it brought a complexity to my grief that is hard to comprehend. So as the tributes and accolades poured in, it was heartwarming to know how much he was loved. It was validating that those around him recognized all the qualities that brought me pride in standing beside him. That many with me would be mourning that he is not here anymore. An army grieving in solidarity with me.
Yet there was a wounded part deep inside that wanted to cry out, “I lost my baby too!”
She may have been hidden in her father’s large shadow and never impacted the lives he touched, but she is my flesh and blood. This little person grew inside me and entered into my life with no shortage of pain and suffering. She shared my laugh and scrunchy face and her daddy’s gentle spirit and long legs. She had not yet been given the time to journey far or stun the world with her captivating smile and compassionate heart. This child had not had the opportunity to explore the fullness of who she was, let alone learn of the potential inside. This human being stole a part of my heart the moment she was created and has taken it with her to the grave. Because as much as I decided to love my husband, over and over, with her it was never a choice. And the celebrated greatness of the man I chose to marry does not detract from the under appreciated worth of my child.
I ache for everyone to know that even though she did not enjoy the ‘celebrity’ of her father her loss is no less devastating. In fact, the opposite is true. There is not a single life which I value more than hers, including my own. Though the impact of her death to the masses will be negligible it still demands acknowledgment. All grief leaves different scars, but the layers of child loss is deep and unfathomable.
I hear you mama. Your plea rings clear above the chaos. My heart breaks with you as you experience unfathomable overwhelm. I am so sorry that you lost your husband and there are no words to express the pain of losing your daughter. But Know you are heard. I mourn with you even if the world doesn’t stop and listen. I will say it for you and with you. I lost my baby too.