What Would You Say

I wonder if you would forgive me.

For every misstep I’ve made along the way. When I chose to pull the covers over my head instead of getting out of bed. In the times I allowed the boys to see some of the worst of me leaving grace in the dust. For being selfish and feeling like I didn’t have the capacity to consider others in my choices. In each moment that I just wanted to stop trying and settle for mediocre. And for every time I was jealous that you are free from all this pain.

I wonder if I’ve made you proud.

For how I’ve considered my role as a mother and a father in raising our children. When I have chosen love and forgiveness instead of anger and hate. In allowing my heart’s capacity for compassion and empathy to change and grow. By using the gift of so many serving me as an opportunity to serve others. Desperately living each day to prove I could have been a worthy role model for our daughter.

I wonder if you would recognize me.

I am not the girl you married. I am not even the same woman that you left on the hi-way four years ago. I’m scarred and broken. Though I am not an empty shell. I am not stuck or swallowed by chaos. I am not without purpose and hope.

I wish you were here.

To say I forgive you.

To say I am proud of you.

To say I see you.

To say I love you.

Give Madeline a hug from me.

Give her ten thousand.

9 thoughts on “What Would You Say

  1. You have made him proud. Heck, you’ve made me proud. You have been through so much yet you continue to give through your pain. Your heart shines on the good days and ththe bad, yes I know you have bad days too. But through it all God has been your constant that you have gone to in times of trials and joy. So, not only would Colin be proud of you but God says all those things to you too. Thought of you lots today and had some of my own tears. Be sure to hug your sweet boys many many times and get one from each of them from me. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My thoughts and prayers are with you Leanne and your sweet boys! That day four years ago impacted my life — your family has always been in my thoughts💞 your messages are so powerful and I thank you for sharing them with us! Hugs to you Leanne💞

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have thought the same things so many times in my journey of grief. It has been 5 years for me. There has been success and failure, joy and sorrow. I trust that he would be proud of me and know that i am trying my best. One day at a time.

    Like

  4. Leanne! We never met but I knew Colin. Somehow following links I ended up here and reading your words I know he would be proud of the earthly family he’s waiting to see again in heaven.

    Like

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