Third

You are third.

God, my boys, then you.

And I wrestle with this order. In those darkest of moments when I panic at the thought of this future alone I justify a minor tweak and attempt to believe that it could work. Trying to rearrange the platform to cooperate; but the fit isn’t quite right. Then as the light returns the error glares at me. My heart spills out and I know that I cannot ignore the conviction of these placements.

And so I surrender. I fall to my knees and weep. Tears of peace, because I know that it is correct and wise, mingled with tears of shame because my weaknesses have surfaced once again. I have allowed the lesser parts to rule my heart and silence that still small voice.

There may never again be someone who recognizes that this is no bronze medal or consolation prize. It appears so contradictory; yet this position is my commitment.

You see the first love is what gives me the capacity to love beyond my human ability. It is the foundation for all my relationships. It is what allows me to connect on a level so much deeper than the surface and enables me to have compassion in the most impossible of situations.

My second love is part of my DNA. It is unalterable and I know that not even death can separate that bond. It is what keeps my selfishness in check, and is the motivation to make an honourable choice not just the uncomplicated one. Always pushing me to pour out every ounce into life and people.

And then comes you. Third place might not seem like the level to aspire for, but in this situation it is no less than gold or silver. Not only are first and second place part of your biggest cheering section, their desire for mutual completeness is matched only by mine. And though they are unable to forfeit their placement, for them the podium is not tiered. They are eager for you to join them in the champagne toast.

Even behind them you are still ahead of me.

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4 thoughts on “Third

  1. Hello Leanne,

    I’ve read a couple of your blogs from time to time and I was amazed by the in-depth and thoughtful introspection. I really don’t know you as a person but I feel like I know the deepest part of you; so I decided to write. I don’t know if you are seeing anyone or not, but I am going to write this to you under the assumption that you don’t have a suitor at this time.
    .
    I feel like you’ve got the order right for now… I have a feeling that the new man will come along and this person and you will figure out a way to love each other fully; this too can be made perfect by God. I have seen this way too many times!

    You wouldn’t rank your lost child above your surviving children, would you? Though your sorrow for her is great, you wouldn’t/ shouldn’t abandon your two boys over the heartbreak of the lost one.

    In the same way, your new lover/ a husband wouldn’t rank under your former one, if God gives you one. I assure you, no one will ever replace your first husband or your daughter; you should never replace them with anyone! You will just have new ones– 2nd ones– because they came after your first one. Not that they lack in anything compared to the 1st ones. Imagine one day you could totally have a new husband and a new daughter with your 2nd husband? Would you rank them second to your first ones? Probably Not!

    I feel like as we go through life, we lose loved ones and gain new ones. Nothing in life is permanent, even if you thought you had perfect first love. Nothing is perfect or complete because only God is. Nothing should replace God and everything else is a bonus!

    Like

    • When you become a mother you are amazed at your capacity for love. When you become a mom of multiple children you learn that with each new addition you don’t have to divide your love but your heart expands.
      This is the basis in my assumption for the future.

      Like

  2. Hello Leanne,

    I’ve read a couple of your blogs from time to time and I was amazed by the in-depth and thoughtful introspection. I really don’t know you as a person but I feel like I know the deepest part of you; so I decided to write. I don’t know if you are seeing anyone or not, but I am going to write this to you under the assumption that you don’t have a suitor at this time.
    .
    I feel like you’ve got the order right for now… I have a feeling that the new man will come along and this person and you will figure out a way to love each other fully; this too can be made perfect by God. I have seen this way too many times!

    You wouldn’t rank your lost child above your surviving children, would you? Though your sorrow for her is great, you wouldn’t/ shouldn’t abandon your two boys over the heartbreak of the lost one.

    In the same way, your new lover/ a husband wouldn’t rank under your former one, if God gives you one. I assure you, no one will ever replace your first husband or your daughter; you should never replace them with anyone! You will just have new ones– 2nd ones– because they came after your first one. Not that they lack in anything compared to the 1st ones. Imagine one day you could totally have a new husband and a new daughter with your 2nd husband? Would you rank them second to your first ones? Probably Not!

    I feel like as we go through life, we lose loved ones and gain new ones. Nothing in life is permanent, even if you thought you had the perfect first love. Nothing is perfect or complete because only God is. God can do perfection no one can. Nothing should replace God and beside Him, everything else is a bonus!

    Like

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