I never imagined feeling so forsaken.
I never considered being a struggling single mom.
I never thought I would be envious of an entire family dying in a car crash.
I never presumed I could be motivated to take an online quiz about alcoholism.
I never guessed friends would check in to make sure that I wasn’t having thoughts of harming myself.
This is not a plea for help. Just a window into the depths of the darkness that this grief has on me. It’s grip is so powerful, even at my strongest I cannot resist. The fight is dogged and ruthless. As I am engulfed farther into the great abyss I feel as if I am drowning in darkness. I reach for an edge or a reserve, but there is nothing. My screams are silent and my tears are dust. The sting and anguish are harsh and yet they are not enough to keep me focussed and alert. A numbness sets in and the fatigue takes over.
I know the light is there I just can’t see it. I can’t even sense it. But my soul is confident in its existence and so I stop struggling and I wait for it to break through.
I never imagined looking into the face of a person who killed half my family.
And I never would have thought in that moment I could feel compassion.