No Judgement


I never believed that I would be here.

I never imagined feeling so forsaken.

I never considered being a struggling single mom.

I never thought I would be envious of an entire family dying in a car crash.

I never presumed I could be motivated to take an online quiz about alcoholism.

I never guessed friends would check in to make sure that I wasn’t having thoughts of harming myself.

This is not a plea for help. Just a window into the depths of the darkness that this grief has on me. It’s grip is so powerful, even at my strongest I cannot resist. The fight is dogged and ruthless. As I am engulfed farther into the great abyss I feel as if I am drowning in darkness. I reach for an edge or a reserve, but there is nothing. My screams are silent and my tears are dust. The sting and anguish are harsh and yet they are not enough to keep me focussed and alert. A numbness sets in and the fatigue takes over.  

I know the light is there I just can’t see it. I can’t even sense it. But my soul is confident in its existence and so I stop struggling and I wait for it to break through.

I never imagined looking into the face of a person who killed half my family.  

And I never would have thought in that moment I could feel compassion.

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6 thoughts on “No Judgement

  1. Oh Leanne that compassion seems to come from no where doesn’t it! You know it’s from God but you don’t want to feel it. I’m praying for you that you will find rest in that light and that it will come soon. I love you!!

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    • I felt the need to pray for you yesterday and I did. I will keep listening to the promptings because I’m sure the darkness is suffocating. He is light, your own light. Cling to Christ, our ONLY hope.

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  2. Dear Leanne, I just wanted to let you know that I feel this darkness of grief also and how powerful it grips you, squeezing all joy and spirit out of ones life. I lost my husband suddenly 5 months ago, three and a half years into retirement. I was fortunate to have my husband for 34 years however the grief and loss of interest in life that I am feeling is so overwhelming that I feel like I am dying. It takes great energy to live each day. The only thing I know is that God has me in his arms and has promised to take care of me. Some days I feel his comfort, others I feel abandoned. How my life will go on is a mystery to me! (by the way, know your brother Bryan and his wife Lisa.) The light is there however dim let’s search it out. Am praying for you and your boys!

    Rita Alger

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  3. I have been in the grip of depression and understand its darkness. If you ever want to talk to someone who know what the valley of the shadow of death feels like, I’m willing and able to listen, love, and walk with you.
    Praying, my friend.
    Heather.

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