Two years ago today you made your debut into this world, and just over a year ago you departed it. In my mind there is this never ending tennis match between the few months of memories that I was allowed and the future that I had envisioned.
And as we have been approaching this significant milestone, never have I been in such distress. This is something l don’t say lightly as the past thirteen and a half months have been severe and arduous. But as the light and heat from the “bonfire” of our life’s devastation slowly burns out it has somehow brought me a little clarity. The cold and the darkness have settled around me like a blanket and the emotions flood my heart almost as fast as they spill out. In the middle of it all I know that I still love you.
I have sat here night after night trying to give an account of my feelings for you, but I can’t. It is like the pain is so intense and overwhelming that it has knocked the wind out of my words. Everything I try to write down to sum up how much I miss you and love you falls flat. It screams, “This is not worthy enough to occupy the space on the screen!” It taunts, “How foolish are you to think that you could do it justice.” It mocks, “Now you will never be able to prove how much you love her!”
I’m not sure why I feel like I have to justify how I feel about you. Maybe to clarify why the tears come so easy, explain the simultaneous joy and heartbreak that little girls bring, or understand the fear of never being able to move through this loss. Though mostly I think it is just because you didn’t get to live long enough to witness the depths of my love for you.
For all of my children that was my number one priority; even for the babies that we chose to care for while the grown ups in their lives were getting their shit together. I desperately wanted you to be confident in the security of my love. To live knowing it was impossible to be separated from that love. There was nothing that you could have done to change those facts and nothing I wouldn’t have done to make sure that you believed it.
In the wee hours of this morning I quietly snuck into your room and curled up on the rocking chair. Holding on to your blanket I wept as I sang your song. I am broken and I won’t ever be whole this side of eternity, but I love you Madeline, and I always will…
“… Who told you so dilly, dilly, who told you so?
‘Twas my own heart dilly, dilly, that told me so…”